Another week flies by

I can't believe it's been a week since I wrote anything! I have been busy and I was out of town so I'll use that as my excuse. We had a nice Turkey day at my mother-in-law's. It was just Brian and I, his mom, aunt and sister for dinner so it was pretty low key. Then my brother-in-law, the girlfriend and our niece and nephew came over later so we all got to hang out. I ended up playing Hungry Hungry Hippo's with my almost 3yr old nephew for like an hour. I don't know if anyone remembers this game but it is not something that can sustain my attention for more than 5 minutes as an adult but he was having a good time. He kept saying "I win!" despite the fact that we weren't keeping score or anything. It was damn cute.

So then Friday through Sunday I spent the weekend at my parents' (they are about 2 hours south of us) since Brian had to work his crappy holiday weekend hours (retail really sucks) and my brother and sister-in-law had come in from San Francisco as well as my Aunt from up north so I wanted to see them. My brother just got married this past June and we spent a good part of Friday afternoon looking through about 5,000 wedding pictures with my new sister-in-law. I like looking at pictures but it started to get old after a while (honestly it seemed to take hours to look through them all), but I do remember being that excited about our wedding once upon a time so I dealt with it.

And of course our adoption was a hot topic of conversation since everyone is pretty excited about it. I still feel weird talking about it for some reason, even with my family, is that normal? Even though it's starting to feel more and more real every day it's still not the same as being pregnant and having that magical moment when you tell everyone you're expecting and you have a due date and it's a process that everyone understands. People are just so amazed when you tell them all the hoops you have to jump through in order to adopt. And of course everyone wants to know a time frame for which I just don't know. I have estimates but that's all I can offer, sorry folks! Actually, the questions are already kind of annoying me, I can't wait until we have had 3 or 4 months if just WAITING, I'm gonna go nuts!

So anyway, the only downside to the weekend was the fact that my SIL kept talking about her and my brother starting a family soon. Because my brother and SIL are both older than me, in their later 30's, I knew that if they wanted to have kids they weren't going to wait that long to start trying so I have been mentally preparing for this since the wedding. I guess I just didn't expect to be hearing about it so soon, nor did I expect to feel as jealous as I did especially considering it won't be long before we finally do have a family of our own. But hearing her discuss how she hopes the baby gets this trait from her and that trait from my brother brought on a twinge of sadness for what might have been. Don't get me wrong, we are extremely happy to be adopting and if we had been dead set on having a bio child then we would be going through IVF right now instead of working on dossier paperwork...but I still can't help feeling a little jealous. I DO hope they are able to get pregnant without any major drama as I wouldn't wish the hell we have been through on my worst enemy. I just hope it takes them a few months so that next Christmas will be all about our baby and he won't have to share the limelight with his cousin! I know that it's totally selfish of me but I don't care, it's what I want! (Have I mentioned I am really an evil person?)

So that's my update of the past week. Oh, and we have our home visit rescheduled for Friday so I have to get the house back in order! I spoke to our social worker on Sunday and she was only 33 weeks when her daughter was born last week! Sounds like baby is doing fine but will have to be in the hospital for a while because she is so small. But thankfully in the mean time she can come out and do the home visit and we can finally finish our home study! Woo-hoo! Things are moving along nicely, let's hope it's clear sailing after that!

The big let-down

Tonight's post was supposed to be one of relief letting everyone know that our homestudy was indeed complete. Unfortunately, our social worker called at 3pm (our meeting was set up for 5pm) to say she had a family emergency and had to postpone our home visit. Now while I was deeply disappointed and crabby about this, I could tell by the tone in her voice that she was upset and I do hope everything is ok. So now with the holiday weekend we have to wait until next week to reschedule, and due to mine and dh's schedules it won't be until Friday or Saturday. Ugh! At least it isn't as though we are all done with the dossier paperwork and waiting for the home study to be done...we are just starting all of that so it isn't that big of a deal...I just wanted to be DONE!! Oh well, shit happens I guess!

So at least our individual meetings on Sunday seemed to go well. It seems so weird to talk about so much personal stuff with a stranger but our SW is very nice and made it pretty painless. It was a pretty long meeting though, I think she talked to me for almost an hour and a half! She didn't talk to my husband for as long, I'm not sure what that means exactly, but she didn't seem to have any major concerns.

Anyway, I think tomorrow afternoon (our office is closing at noon) I'll work on filling out more paperwork and next week we should be able to compile the rest of the reference letters and documents we need for the dossier (I say with fingers crossed). So things are coming together slowly, though I'm sure something else is bound to go wrong before we get through this step. I know I should think positive, but I also know what our track record is...seems like there is always something that comes up (tonight being case in point)! Oh well, one day at a time, right?

Thank goodness we decided to "just adopt". ;)

**UPDATE 11/23 - We found out what happend with our social worker...she HAD A BABY! Obviously I knew she was pregnant from looking at her (which bothered me slightly but I got over it), but she didn't seem very big so I am thinking she went in early. I spoke to the receptionist at our agency about everything and it sounds like she is still planning to finish our home study, just not until later next week. So we'll see how this drama unfolds and hope that we can get this sucker done and put to rest soon!

Freaking out a little

Information overload! So much to do and I want it done yesterday! We met with our international coordinator today and she gave us all the dossier paperwork that needs to be compiled. It's not nearly as scary as I had imagined but a daunting task nonetheless.

And I am having all of these weird thoughts and feelings right now that I can't quite explain. Things are moving so fast with the home study, and now we are going to try to get the dossier done as soon as possible and I feel a little overwhelmed. Then she said there is nobody on the waiting list for boys from Guatemala right now so as soon as our homestudy is complete we could have a referral right away! That is exciting but kind of scary at the same time. I feel like I want my baby home right now...but at the same time I'm not ready. Does that make sense? I realize there is going to be a lot of waiting around once we get the referral but it is starting to feel so real...what the hell have we gotten ourselves into?!?

I'm stressed...I can't sleep...I keep thinking, am I ready to be a mommy? We have waited for this so long and suddenly I'm so unsure. What is wrong with me?

Anyway, I'll try to get some sleep now...sweet dreams!

My husband, the saint

Have I mentioned lately what a great guy I married? I'm sure I haven't said it nearly enough. After 8 1/2 years together we have definitely had our ups and downs...there were even times when I didn't know if we were going to make it this far...but here we are still together! And he not only puts up with my occasional bitchiness, but he also takes care of me far better than what I think I deserve!

I have to admit, I wasn't sure what to expect from him when we signed up with the adoption agency. He isn't one to show a lot of emotion over anything in general, and despite the fact that he told me over and over he was ready to take this step I still felt that I was the one making the decision and he was just along for the ride. But step by step I have seen him get more and more involved...granted he hasn't filled out much paperwork because he has terrible handwriting and I am a control freak so it has to be done perfectly to my standards...but other than that every task I have given him he's come through on. I still have to prod him a little but mostly he gets it done. ;)

Then lately I have had several of our friends say how excited he seems about the adoption and how he talks about it all the time! What? He talks about it all the time?? I had no idea! I mean, we talk about it all the time to each other because this is our life right now, but I had no idea he was so anxious to share with other people! So much for not telling everyone...I guess the cat's out of the bag!

Then on Monday night, almost as soon as we got home from our first home study meeting, he started cleaning the house! Our social worker had told us some things she looks for in a home visit, including keeping all cleaning supplies up and out of reach because she doesn't trust those little plastic cabinet child-proofer thingys (I don't know what they're called...you know what I mean). So here he was pulling all of the cleaning supplies out from under the kitchen sink and reorganizing to find a higher place to put them. He reorganized half the cabinets in the kitchen and this big one in our laundry room to get all of that stuff up and out of the way! Then last night he came home with a buzillion outlet covers and was plugging every unused outlet in our house, the garage, and maybe even the neighbor's house, I'm not sure! Tonight when I got home he had cleaned the bathroom and mopped the floor! Oh yeah, and he was putting laundry away when I came in...I think I need to work late more often!

Anyway, I guess what I'm saying is my husband is the best and I'm so glad he is so excited to become a daddy! I apologize for this uncharacteristically sappy message...tomorrow I'll be back to bitching about something I'm sure! In the mean time if you ever happen to read this honey...I LOVE YOU!!

Homestudy meeting #1

This afternoon was our first homestudy meeting with our social worker at the agency. I was pretty nervous going into it but after talking to her just a little bit I could tell she was really nice and not at all "out to get us" so I relaxed. This meeting was mostly her talking to us about things we need to take into consideration before we adopt and things we need to be aware of as far as possible problems that could arise such as developmental delays, attachment disorders, etc. It was mostly things we had already thought about but she is required to go through this big long scary checklist of stuff and she did have some good advice on how to deal with certain situations that could arise.

Then there was more paperwork to sign and we had to take this really odd personality test which asked things like "Can you be friendly to a person who does really bad things?" (huh?) and a questionnaire regarding alcohol and drug use. Honestly I don't get those tests because if you are truly an alcoholic drug addict are you going to be truthful about it? It just seems kinda useless to me but whatever.

So next up is our individual meetings which are set up for Sunday afternoon, back to back. Then our in home visit is scheduled for next Tuesday so we'll be done before Thanksgiving! Wow! Then this Friday we meet with our international coordinator to hand in our initial application for the Guatemala program and get our dossier packet. Oh goodie, more paperwork!! Somebody please tell me that the dossier isn't too terrible, I just want to get that done as fast as possible and then maybe we can get a little breathing room to enjoy the holidays! If we get a referral by Christmas as predicted it will all be so worthwhile!

Full speed ahead

Things are starting to move along really fast with our adoption all of the sudden. We scheduled our 1st homestudy meeting for Monday afternoon and I’m nervous about that. Thank goodness this one is at her office so I don’t have to spend all weekend cleaning the house! Then we also got our 3rd packet of paperwork to fill out (joy), this time it is the application for the international program. This batch will be easy since it’s just a re-hash of stuff we already had to fill out for the homestudy application but it’s just a pain in the butt. Oh, and that fat check we have to send along with it doesn’t really excite me either. Once we complete that we meet with the international coordinator who will get us started on our dossier, probably before the end of the month. She said if all goes well and we keep on track with our paperwork and homestudy we could have a referral by Christmas!! I can’t believe it! I mean I know that there will still be months we have to wait after the referral but the fact that we are that close to it is amazing to me! Here's hoping that we don't hit too many roadblocks...maybe we will have a Merry Christmas this year after all!

A blog makeover

I decided I was tired of looking at the pink background and found this pretty "harbor" template so I gave my blog a makeover! Turns out this is a major pain in the ass however...note to self, don't do that again anytime soon!

Anyway, it's still me so don't get confused by the change! Hope you like it!

A Monday rant

I have had one hell of a day today. There were a couple of really good things that happened which I will get to at the end, but for the most part today kind of sucked. Here is a list of some things that royally pissed me off on this crappier than usual Monday:

~ I woke up 30 minutes before my alarm was set to go off and had to pee so bad that my bladder literally hurt. So then I layed there and pondered whether I should A) Get up and pee then crawl back in bed for 29 minutes knowing I will have just fallen asleep when my stupid alarm goes off, or B) Get up and pee then stay up and be annoyed because I could have possibly slept for another 29 minutes, or C) Lay in bed for 30 minutes thinking about how much I have to pee but not willing to get up and leave the warmth of my cozy bed. I chose C and then nearly pissed myself when I finally did crawl out of bed and hit the cold air!

~ After I got up I realized that my old friend Aunt Flow had come to visit during the night and when I finally did empty my bladder I proceeded to get horribly nasty cramps. (Why does this happen after I pee? Does this happen to anyone else?) Then for the rest of the day I felt crampy, bloated, headachy and tired and even my Midol didn’t seem to make it better. I need stronger drugs!

~ Along with my friend AF comes my other friend Acne! I am breaking out all over my face, especially on my chin, which is now covered in little zits. I thought acne was just a teen thing, why am I still getting this at age 31?!?

~ Then the girl I like least of anyone in my department, who I am lucky enough to sit next to, was late again this morning. She is always late and it bugs the shit out of me. I admit I am late on occasion, but I commute 30 minutes and sometimes you just can’t predict getting stopped by a train or slowed down by fog or other random delays. Plus I am salary and work tons of overtime so I figure if I get in at 8:05 but stay until 6:30 at night it’s kind of irrelevant. But this bratty little twit that I share a cube with lives 5 minutes away and has no kids, no boyfriend/husband to fight over the bathroom with, no pets to feed. There is no reason other than pure laziness that she cannot get her ass out of bed 5 minutes earlier every morning so that she can roll into the parking in time to be at her desk at 8:00! I swear she must literally leave her apartment at the time she should be getting to work! Oh, but then it gets better. After rolling in at 8:06 she proceeds to eat her breakfast at her desk while checking her personal e-mails for 10-15 minutes. Then later she goes home for a full hour lunch, after which she spends another 15-20 minutes checking her bank account online and shopping for a new car. Then at about 4:20 she pops on the internet to look up directions to the car lot she is going to after work and she is out the door at 4:29. And on her self evaluation for her year-end review she will talk about what great time management skills she has. I swear I’m going to smack her one of these days!!

~ Then on the way home from work (I didn’t leave until 5:30) it’s already pitch black outside because of stupid daylight savings. Then I get stuck between this slowpoke driving 5 miles under the speed limit and this jackass riding my tail so close that all I see is a blinding reflection from his headlights in my rearview mirror! I take a 2 lane highway home that is very winding and has a lot of traffic at this time of night so I couldn’t get past the slowpoke ahead of me and I literally had to keep slamming on my brakes so Jackass behind me would lay off! People suck!

Whew…I think my hormones are in overdrive, I just have no tolerance for this crap today! Thank goodness there were some positives to help me snap out of my funk before I was forced to run someone off the road or bludgeon my coworker to death with a Sharpie!

~ When I got home from work my husband was cleaning the house! And I hadn't even been nagging him to do so! :)

~ We got a call from our agency and they have all of the necessary paperwork to start our home study meetings. We now have a case worker assigned to us and she should be calling this week to schedule our first meeting!

~ Also, the woman at our local agency who coordinates everything with our international agency is sending out all the paperwork we need to fill out for that program to get the ball rolling there too. And she said the waiting list for boys from Guatemala is still very short and that couples are getting referrals almost immediately upon finishing their homestudy! Wow, this is all happening so fast all of the sudden! (On a side note to my friend Kim/Stillhoping, yes we are going with the same agency you used and I feel really positive about them!)

So that was my crazy day. Thank goodness the whole Monday plus AF thing doesn't happen every month or they might have to start locking me up like a werewolf during the full moon!

Men have it so easy

My hubby went to his new doctor for a physical yesterday so we could get his health assessment filled out and sent in (finally). So when I got home from work I asked him how it went.

His response: "Good! I was in and out of there in less than 20 minutes and I didn't even have to drop my pants!"

Now ladies of the infertile world, when is the last time you went to the dr. and didn't have to drop your pants at some point? Seriously, some days I just hate being a girl.

Reality Check

I'm sick of getting screwed over. When we were going through IF treatments our insurance didn't cover crap so we paid most of our medical expenses out of pocket. We paid a LOT out of pocket. When I think about how much money we forked out for specialists and meds and u/s and IUI and blood tests which all got us, oh yeah, NOWHERE, I feel kind of sick.

And now that we are pursuing adoption, of course there is a whole new list of things that we have to pay for. Big bucks. Money that could be going into my kid's college fund or spent on a nicer house so my child could have a bigger bedroom and a better yard to play in, or a minivan so I could cart around my 2.5 kids and a dog...something besides agency fees and legal expenses and all of that misc. adoption "stuff". Let's be honest, I don't even know where all the money goes, I just know I need a lot of it.

So we went to the bank and the nice lady gave us a loan and wished us good luck. And I remember feeling so happy and relieved when we left, knowing that now we could pay for everything. I don't know how we are ever going to pay it all back, but we have a 10 year loan and a crappy interest rate so what the hell.

Then at work I found out that my company will be offering adoption benefits starting the first of the year. Whoopee! But the reality is that this benefit is 2 weeks paid time off upon assuming custody of the child and up to $3,000 reimbursement for adoption expenses. Well...it is something, and something is better than nothing, but it's pretty much crap compared to what you get if you actually pop a kid out yourself. If you get pregnant and give birth you get your prenatal medical expenses paid by insurance other than copays and deductibles. I mean I realize you have to pay premiums for your insurance throughout the year but you would be paying that anyway. Then after you have the child you can qualify for short term disability because your body is healing. If I understand our new policy correctly that means 100% of your pay for up to 6 weeks.

So does that mean it takes 2 weeks to form a bond with your child but 6 weeks for your girl parts to heal after giving birth? I think that's total bullshit. I mean, maybe I should have a hysterectomy done 2 weeks after I legally adopt my child and then I can take 8 weeks off paid?!? Hmmmm....

Anyway, I have just been thinking about how much time I want to take off when we bring home our child vs. how much time we can realistically afford for me to take off and the reality of this has all been sinking in. It just sucks and it makes me pretty crabby. I know it will all be totally worth it in the end, but in the mean time just allow me to wallow in self pity for a bit.

Now that I got that off my chest I'm off to raid the leftover Halloween candy!