Just some pictures

Our little peanut has been sick this past week so I haven't had much time to do anything, let alone sit at a computer. He's finally better (and napping peacefully) so here are some pictures that I promised a while back! Enjoy!

Helping me put dishes "away".

Watching a little tv, probably Fraggle Rock!










Cameron loves to read books in his chair. Check out the bed head!










Playing outside in snow with Molly.

Just when I think I'm on the emotional mend...

I found out recently that my brother and sister-in-law are expecting their first child. While I’m extremely happy for them, I’m also having some serious mixed emotions about it. It’s typical, just when I think I’m over the whole never-being-pregnant-or-having-a-bio-child thing something happens and those emotions come flooding back. I think I handle it pretty well nowadays, but for some reason this pregnancy is bothering me a lot. I think when it hit me the hardest was when we first got the news, we were over at my parents house and they called out of the blue so I knew something was up (they live in CA so we don’t see them a lot and generally phone calls are on Sunday, that’s just the schedule). So anyway, my brother is talking to my Dad and I could just tell from his side of the conversation what was up…and my heart started racing and I suddenly had the urge to just BOLT out of the house! I don’t know why but I just didn’t want to hear this news and have to be all happy-happy in front of everyone. Even after all this time and having Cameron home with me I still felt like this and it caught me a little off guard.

So I eventually the phone gets passed to me, and I act all surprised when my brother tells me they are expecting and offer my congrats and all that. My brother of course sounded happy about it but also really freaked out which, I’m sad to say, made me feel a little better! So then I get handed off to my SIL and again I have to be all nicey-nicey and ask her how she’s feeling and all that stuff. I can offer parental assvice to some extent nowadays, but when it comes to pregnancy I still have no clue so I felt like I sounded as fake as I actually was. So then I was able to pawn the phone off to my Mom and again resist the urge to sprint to the nearest broom closet and cry my eyes out. No, instead I get to listen to my mom’s end of the conversation where she starts offering up pregnancy advice and reliving pregnancy stories, which makes me feel even worse! After all, I never got to hear those stories or get that advice from MY mom, but now my SIL does. Not that I don’t love her to death, but it just felt suddenly so unfair, you know? So in a matter of minutes all the years of infertility pain and garbage all came flooding back to me and I felt that same old inadequacy that I had felt back when we were TTC without success. Just when I thought I had reached a better place and was able to put that in the past. I guess I’m not as strong as I think sometimes.

Lately I’m sorry to say that it’s become a struggle for me to remain upbeat and happy about this baby. On one hand of COURSE I’m excited to have a niece or nephew, the first on my side of the family, but on the other hand I HATE hearing all the happy little pregnancy details. Not that I want to hear bad news, I would feel TERRIBLE if something went wrong, but just keep the details to a minimum for the poor pathetic infertile’s sake…and skip ahead to when the baby is about 8 months old to when I can relate! Is it wrong of me to wallow in self pity once in a while? I love my son more than anything and I don’t regret the path of adoption that we chose for a second, but of course there are days when I wish things had been different…

So there’s my sob story for today. Next post I’ll try to post some Cameron pictures and remember just how lucky I am to have him in my life. Because I am, and I’m so happy and thankful to be his mom! Besides, I gained enough weight and had enough mood swings through the adoption process as it was, I’m pretty sure a pregnancy would have sent me over the edge! For now I’m just hoping they have a girl so I can get my cute, pink and frilly fix once in a while since the likelihood of us having another child is pretty low right now…but that’s a post for another day. For now I’m calling this pity party over and I have to get back to work!